I am rushing around stuffing things in a suitcase with one hand and trying to finish up all the work I really ought to do before I leave for England to visit my mum.
As I’ll be on a plane and hopefully asleep by the time you read this, I don’t have too much to whine about this week, but please feel free to whine on my behalf. It is Whiny Wednesday, after all.
This is a preemptive whine I guess. This Firday, I am meeting up with a friend (she is 45, me 47) I have known for 20 years to meet her donor egg baby for the first time. I put it off for almost a year but can’t put it off any longer. I have written about it before and my friend’s inability to understand my feelings. I’m hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Wish me luck.
J Thorne says
I recently got together with a single friend who had a donor egg baby also. The baby is actually really cute and my friend does the best she can, but all I can say is that I am glad I do not have her dysfunctional life. She didn’t anticipate all that comes with raising a child on your own. When I first heard she was pregnant, I was so put off that I avoided seeing her (and even talking to her at times). It’s hard to see people have children (especially undeserving people) when you know in your heart you could do just as well if not better for that child. I am really ok with it now because I accept my friend’s situation for what it is and know that I would not want to be in her shoes. Maybe that sounds mean, but it’s true. Good luck with your get-together, Maria. Hopefully you will find some level of comfort with the situation – ugly, cranky baby or whatever may bring you peace. LOL.
Thank you. You helped me about a year ago when I posted on the community, I was very upset and you told me about this friend. I actually went back to the community, found it and your response, and re-read it. I hope Friday is a good day. I will update you all next week.
Will be thinking of you Maria. Let us know how it goes. <3
Lol I know I shouldn’t say this, but all I can think of is I hope that baby’s ugly.
Haha, no such luck, but he looks nothing like either parent so I guess he looks like the donor. We have other friends that just had a baby naturally and that one was a little more painful. That baby is ugly and a girl, and I feel terrible for saying this, but I was glad. I’m such a jerk.
Don’t feel bad for saying that. I understand. When I had to be around a friend’s baby who was born within days of my due date (I miscarried at 9 and half weeks) it helped the sting feel a little better because the baby was not a very happy baby at all. I felt bad, but not that bad, for thinking that. 🙂
I’m surprised nobody has mentioned this yet, but all of the media coverage of Prince William and Kate’s baby has been hard. Her pregnancy was announced just weeks after my miscarriage last year, so her and her baby have been emotional triggers for me since. I’m so happy for them, but cried when I watched the video of their smiling proud faces and their cute baby boy. I know I should not have watched the video, as I know it’s a trigger, but I could not help myself.
I have a friend going through the same thing. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to watch the video, it is part of your journey. I don’t think you can hide from it so dealing with it better. Take good care of yourself.
Since we’re admitting to these kinds of feelings, I always feel relieved when I hear about autistic children. They’re a real handful. When the study recently came out that older fathers have a greater chance of having autistic kids (I just married my 49 y o hubby), I felt more at peace with our decision to not do egg donation or adoption and remain childfree. I d rather be childfree than have that daily struggle. Reminds me of two sayings, ” you must give up the life you’ve planned to find the one waiting for you” and ” the privilege of a lifetime is to become who you are.” Remember that being your own beautiful childfree self is enough.
Thanks, Jennifer for those quotes. I needed to hear that. I wrote a guest blog here once in which I told what a kind friend told me when I discussed my inability to have children with her. She had two children. Her first child has some form of autism, or perhaps Aspergers. I know that she was going through a rough time. Her husband is significantly older and I know that he worries about being around for his kids later in life. When they married she had agreed that they would not have kids (he did not want any). But she changed her mind and then after much discussion they tried and got pregnant. I think they had the second child because they wanted to make sure that the older child had a sibling. She said to me, “Just enjoy your life.” We talked a bit more about a friend of hers who was under a lot of pressure to have children, but who did not want to have kids. My friend was telling me that it is fine to pursue life without children and perfectly possible to be happy. I have another friend who has a child with autism, and I can only imagine how hard that diagnosis must have been for her. But now I also think that because the attitude I hate the most from others concerning my childlessness is “pity”, that I don’t want to pity anyone else either. Help out yes, but pity no. Most of us have it hard one way or another, and I guess that most meaningful message you quoted at the end of your post applies to all of us. Yesterday on NPR I was listening to a father tell his story about how worried he and his wife are financially because they now have two kids in college, and are scrapping to pay for all the costs. I guess we can all find something to appreciate about our own situation vis-a-vis another’s particular struggle, but we each also have our perks.
I have a close friend with a son who is autistic, and my sister has 2 children that are bipolar. My sister’s one son is very violent and she and her husband separated to keep her and her other 2 children safe. He still has a lot of problems and lives with the father, they are now divorced. When I would get down about not having children, my sister would always tell me my life was good, that I should enjoy it, and when people dream about having children, no one thinks it will turn out like hers. I remember when I told my friend who had an autistic child that I could not have children, he told me he loved his son but his life is very very difficult because of his condition. When I get down about my situation, I try to remind myself that things can be much worse and try to be grateful for all that I have. Let’s all try to do this today.
My husband and I were looking at adoption. We were devastated when we were planning to adopt a child with a cleft palate but after multiple medical exams, we learned that she had a significant syndrome that would leave her brain damaged. We knew we didn’t want to deal with that unless we HAD to because we had become pregnant and it wasn’t detected.
I am still sad that she isn’t our child, but I am grateful to have the choice to live a life that isn’t dominated by her needs and to have had a choice.
I follow a blog by a woman whose husband had the same condition that my husband suffered from and which left us with the inability to have children unless we underwent some heavy-duty IVF with ICSI, and all sorts of heavy-duty and costly medication prior to all that. Today, after her second IVF attempt, she announced that she is pregnant. Last night when I read that her results would be in today, I prayed for her. I prayed that she would get to have her baby. I prayed again this morning when she had yet to update her page. I have been doing soooooo much better this year; finally feeling less anxious, finally focusing on some of the perks of a life without kids. I am happy that things are going well for her. I hope nothing will go wrong, but I am suddenly sad for the first time in a while. My husband did not want to try IVF. He did not want to try anything. Now I just keep thinking, what if he would have been willing? What if he could have been more open with me? I look at her test results and I think that could have been us. I feel as though I’ve suddenly taken leaps back on all the progress I’ve made.
My husband and I had different levels of openness to various options. Sometimes, I wonder if it could have been me if he had just said yes. But, what if I went through all of it and it still didn’t happen? The chances are greater of it not working out than actually working. I think it would have destroyed me beyond repair.
J Thorne says
I think the worst thing we do to ourselves is second-guess our decisions. I do it to myself and wonder what if I had tried to have children sooner or gone ahead with IVF, etc. The hardest thing to do is keep reminding ourselves that we made those decisions for a reason and this is where we are now.
Wish we all lived close by and could get together for a nice dinner and good conversation. 🙂
I second that!