This week’s Whiny Wednesday topic is that old chestnut:
The baby shower!
A reader wrote:
I would like to know how others handle baby showers. I have vowed to not go to any more baby showers after leaving the last one in tears and disappointed in myself because I felt so strong before I went. Do others have emotional issues about other people’s baby showers or am I alone?
After assuring her that she definitely was not alone in feeling this way, I thought I’d turn the topic over to you.
Please whine, rant, empathize, and even advise on this most delicate of topics.
Andrea says
You are most definitely not alone. The first baby shower I went to was devastating for me. Every woman there prayed aloud and thanked God for the baby. I was so very close to breaking down several times that afternoon. Thankfully I was able to keep it together for the remainder of the event, but it was the last baby shower I attended for a long time.
HAT says
Unless its my sister or my best friend, I don’t attend. I will make a small gift and send it with a friend a I know and trust but at present I don’t see the need to go. It only hurts. The pain is slowly going away I think and maybe once I am in my 40’s (4 more years) then I might go to them again but for now I don’t see the point. No one will miss me really and the hand made gift is usually really appreciated. (I make contoured burp cloths)
Linda B. says
I haven’t been to a b-shower in 15+ years until this year (49yo). For all the reasons mentioned before. However, a new employee joined our team and was immediately pg. My first thought was not good. However, as I got to know her, I got really comfortable with the process – she didn’t exhibit any of the cloying, annoying, typical baby-mania behavior. So, when the team started talking about the inevitable shower, I got pro-active. I hosted it in my barn this spring – a gift card only, crawfish boil. No decorations, no cake, no games. Men invited. She was thrilled! And everyone said it was the best one ever.
I still won’t go to a traditional shower. Probably won’t ever.
Irisd says
That sounds like a great baby shower!! Even when I was much younger, I avoided showers… Thought the whole set up was tedious!!! I would send gifts! Or I would visit my friend at a later time! I think that people avoid showers for reasons beyond infertility. I certainly did!
Linda B. says
I was prepared for a highly emotional day, but it was amazingly low stress. Just a great celebration without stupidity. About half of the attendees have worked with me for at least 8 years and understand what hurts. I was pleasantly surprised that the remaining guests conformed to the party vibe that we had crafted. Another coworker’s wife is expecting late fall, so I’m thinking of ways to proactively craft another good one.
Ana says
I won’t even by baby clothes for a baby shower regardless if I know the mother or if a coworkers. I could not. I buy a gift card.
NicoleH says
It took me a while to decide I am worth it, but I skip them. If I’m close to the person and they “get it” I explain that it’s a combination of self-care and not wanting to be a bummer for everyone else. If it’s someone less likely to understand, I just have somewhere else I need to be; they don’t need to know that it’s at home with a book and a glass of wine.
Maria says
I was as upset at baby shower’s as everyone else who commented. I made a decision to stop going (I don’t even remember when but I think in my mid 30s when we were still trying) and it was the best decision I ever made. If I was invited by a close friend, I would pick a gift off their registry, have it shipped directly to them, and RSVP I won’t be going. I don’t buy gifts for co-workers and I don’t crochet baby blankets anymore because it stirs up too much emotion. I also don’t offer an excuse for why I can’t go. I’m sure there is talk about me when I’m not there and the pity but I don’t care – as long as I don’t see it, I’m fine. The one shower I thought I would have to attend was for my brother’s wife a few years ago but it turned out to be scheduled on a day that I had prepaid to attend a conference out of State. I saw that as a sign the universe intervening to prevent me from going. I sent a big gift and no one cared I wasn’t there. Bottom line – don’t go ladies – all they want is your gift anyway – no one cares that you aren’t there. Don’t torture yourself by showing up.
P says
Personal whine – and I’m embarrassed to admit my shallowness but oh well.
A local person acts as a shelter for pregnant teens and young women. She does commendable work and even if her facebook rants are a little too pro-life for me (obviously I’m pro-life but she’s really, really in your face about it) I follow her on social media.
Recently she requested some specific items. Since I’m likely never going to use the items I messaged her to let her know I had some things to donate. She replied back with only her address (no “thanks so much” or anything like that). I bought a basket specifically to group the donations and made it a nice “gift” rather than just someones discards. I brought the items to her home today. No one was there so I left them on the porch and sent her a message. Her reply? “thanks”
For the record, I donated something special in the past and received very little thanks.
Perhaps I’m sensitive because of the nature of the situation but it irks me that there isn’t more gratitude. I know, I know. I’m donating because I WANT to and not because I need loads of kudos and attention. I should just give as God wants us to give and move on.
Plus her load might be too heavy to really have time for gratitude. And she certainly does not know my story. Still, I find it very hollow to donate to an organization that touches my heart and not receive a little “warm fuzzy” out of it. I think I might have to find somewhere else to donate.
Sherry says
P
I think it is rude on her part to not do anything more than a simple thank you. If she is really dedicated to her cause then she needs to be more appreciative of any gifts she receives. Everyone has time to type something more than an address and thank you. I would probaly find another way to give back.
P says
Thank you for the validation Sherry!
I was feeling like a jerk for even feeling slighted. But I combed through all my cabinets, washed everything up so it was fresh for them, purchased a basket to put it all in, parted with a few items that I could have kept but gave anyway for the good cause. Then I drove 20 minutes there and 20 minutes back delivering the items.
Obviously this does not make me super amazing or anything. But I did put time, effort and love into my contribution and it would have been nice to feel like my efforts mattered.
Kelly says
I don’t go anymore. I might send a gift, but there’s no need for me to be in attendance. Even when my sister was pregnant; I learned to cross-stitch and made something for her newborn and included a nice letter saying something about how I hope she enjoys her day surrounded by loved ones, I’m thinking of her today. I sent it with someone else who was attending the shower, and she loved it. No one cares if you’re actually there or not. Believe me, if they knew how hurt my soul is to be in attendance, they’d all tell me not to come either. It’s really not worth the pain.
Lee Cockrum says
I agree with everyone about not going if you don’t want to. Send a gift if you choose, and then enjoy your day otherwise engaged. If it is one that you “must” attend, perhaps try to spend your time helping out in the kitchen etc. Keeps your hands and mind busy, and will most likely be appreciated by the hostess!
I do want to attend sometimes, when the person is very special to me. If I am that close to them, they generally know my story, and are always so happy to see me that it makes me feel happy to go.
Andrea says
I struggled with this very recently. It was a baby shower for a near relative, and to say I felt obligated to attend would be to put it mildly. After many little emotional meltdowns in anticipation of this event (and a reflooding of my own miscarriage memories), my husband helped me to see that it was important that I let myself off the hook. I didn’t feel I could share my personal truth with this person (nor did I want to when she is in such a clearly joyful place), so I made an excuse, sent a generous gift, and arranged to see her later, in the absence of these huge festivities. I have attended a baby shower or two in the last few years that went reasonably well, but I could feel that I needed to bow out of this one.
bubli says
I don’t attend baby showers anymore unless it is close family and I feel able to. I also don’t particularly enjoy holding newborns at the moment. I’m okay with this. I don’t want to detract from someone’s celebration by having a meltdown.
This leads to my whine – my husband is very concerned about what other people think. I don’t give a #### so it is a bone of contention. My sharing our story invades his privacy, his wanting everything to be secret means no one knows we are hurting. Not sure how this is going to play out.
Ana says
I cannot stand a baby crying. Is not that I hate children. I think is more like a self defense mechanism that I constructed to avoid a meltdown. My husband was the same at first. he did not like coming home and finding me on the floor crying. you need to deal with your pain however way it helps you.
Carolin says
oh, I seem to be very lucky in this point – in Germany, we don’t have Baby showers!
But even the Birth-Announcements sometimes make me very sad. And if I don’t feel like wishing the best for the newborn, I just don’t do it.
There are several persons in the last time I didn’t sent a present, nor a greeting card with good wishes. And – surprise – no one cares, if there ist the tenth lovely t-shirt or not…..
Perhaps some people wondered about me not sending congratulations, but if they are not close to me, I don’t care. If it’s close friends, they know and understand.
Don’t feel obligated to nothing, ladies!
Greetings from the soccer-champion-country,
Carolin
Cara says
I no longer attend baby showers. I just decline with a “sorry, I can’t make it.” I am not sure how many in the family really know my real story, but word has to have gotten around by now since some have known our struggle. I think people still feel the need to send an invitation, although I would rather not even receive the invite in the mail. But you can’t avoid some things.
Megan says
I am with the others – stop going, best feeling ever!!! The only exception I make is for my very immediate family and since they know our situation it makes it easier.
Baby showers always remind me of an episode of Sex & the City (season 6, episode 9) – Carrie attends a baby shower, has to take off her very cute Manolo’s and then they are not there when she is ready to leave. Thru the course of the show she asks her friend to replace them and the friend tells her that the $485 cost is an irresponsible waste … Then Carrie runs the figures of how much she has spent on this friend and has gotten nothing in return since her path had not been the traditional one…here is the transcript…
“You know what? I am Santa.
I did a little mental addition.
Over the years, I have bought
Kyra an engagement gift, a wedding gift,
then there was the trip to Maine for the wedding, three baby gifts.
In total, I have spent over 2,300 dollars celebrating her choices.
And she is shaming me for spending a lousy 485 bucks on myself?”
The show ends with Carrie leaving her friend a message… Here is the transcript
“Hi. It’s Carrie Bradshaw.
I wanted to let you know that I’m getting married.
To myself. I’m registered at Manolo Blahnik.
So thanks. Bye. ”
The show then finishes with Carrie reflecting:
“The fact is. Sometimes it’s hard to walk in a single woman’s shoes.
That’s why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun.”
So where do you draw that line?
To paraphrase: The fact is… Sometimes it is hard to walk in a childless/childfree woman’s shoes. That’s why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun and skipping baby showers makes the walk just much more enjoyable.
I will have a glass of wine tonight and toast to “no baby showers and cute shoes”
Megan
Cara says
HI Megan! I am a newbie on the blog. My husband’s cousin and I will quote that episode whenever we are together! Since we are both childless, we keep saying we should have a shower for US and request shoes and handbags. I wonder if we would really get anyone to play along. God knows how much we have spent on their parties!
Ana says
I love Sex & City. I know that episode too.
Lisa says
Mine is a bit different. My stepdaughter and stepson’s girlfriend both got pregnant a couple of months apart – both unplanned. I helped throw both of their baby showers- their mother lives far away and was not a big part of their lives at that time. I made baby blankets, made all the cute food, diaper cakes, and helped put together the nurseries. And though I love and cherish our grandsons, it was still very hard. I didn’t realize it until the day of each of the showers. I excused myself towards the end of both and found a quiet place to cry. I say skip them.
Ana says
I agree. It is too hard to show happiness when you are broken inside. It is too hard.
Ana says
My first baby shower was a day before my hysterectomy. I remember my boss saying nobody else can get pregnant this year. I said to myself I won’t for sure. I had two baby shower after at work. It broke my heart to see all the precious clothes, toys, and gift the expecting mother got. I thought to myself I would never know what is like to open gift for a baby that will never come……………….the same year of my surgery a close friend of mind had a baby boy. I could not attend the baby shower. I actually did not met the boy until he turn one. He would be turning two next month. I remember when I met him his grandmother gave me a look like where have you been? How dare you not met my grandson.
Ana says
I always dream of my baby shower. I told my self I will make a baby blanket / crotchet / cross stitching or something to pass down from one generation to another. Almost 20 years ago, I helped my cousin wife make a blanket for her first child. I said to myself one day this would be my tradition too. Baby showers are too hard. I helped at work do the invitations, collect money, etc. I won’t attend. I remember a friend that has two kids tell me not to stop going to baby shower. Not to turn like those women that become bitter and isolated. Nobody understand our pain like each of us. Only each of us know how hurtful it is no to have a baby to call your own.
jeopardygirl says
I am fortunate I don’t get asked to many baby showers anymore. I was the last of my friends and cousins to even try for kids, so while now life is a lot easier, it was HELL when I was TTC. My mother didn’t understand why I didn’t want to throw a shower for my cousin who gave birth in the same month I would have if I hadn’t miscarried my last baby. She said, “wouldn’t you want her to do the same for you?” The fact is, no one else would throw it for her, because she was/is the black sheep of the family. Everyone would come and give her a gift out of obligation, but they wouldn’t go out of their way to organise something. So it fell to me, because that kind of thing (unfairness) drives me crazy. I just did for her what I would have wanted for me, crying the whole time. She appreciated it, though, and has since said that she knew it was hard for me, so that helps. Still, I’m grateful most of the women I know are done having babies. Now I just have to listen to them go between preening over their offspring, and complaining about them.
Erin says
The last baby shower I had to go to was for my husband’s cousin. I didn’t want to go. But, my sisters-in-law, mother-in-law, grandmother-in-law, and cousins-in-law were all going. My husband said I had to go, or it would reflect badly on him. I went and the cousin’s in-laws couldn’t remember who I was, so I had to tell them multiple times, “No I don’t have any children.” Then for some reason to justify my existence I would end the sentence with, “but I have cats.” I love my cats, but I felt foolish saying it over and over.
Right now I actually hate going to the newphews’ birthday parties more than baby showers. I am literally the only women there without children. And even though the parties usually bring out the worst in the kids, I would still trade anything to have one party-crazy child of my own.
Sherry says
Erin
I always end it by saying we have an obnoxious dog because I cant’t stand the silence after i tell them I don’t have children.
Jenn says
I haven’t attended a baby shower in a long time. I usually order off the registry online so I don’t have to go into the store. Since I do work crazy schedules with my job it’s easy to say I’m working. My whine is I’m so tired of family members and friends thinking and saying how I have so much free time because I don’t have kids. Like they say they don’t understand how I can’t do something or go somewhere because what could I have to do without kids. I work full time and volunteer with numerous organizations, plus it’s my free time to do what I want and I don’t like feeling guilt tripped.
Mali says
I am reading all these baby shower stories, and thanking my lucky stars that I was born in New Zealand, where we don’t have them (unless they’re starting up in the younger generations), and where I’ve never had to go through this.
I also loved that Sex and the City episode. I can definitely relate.
Jennifer says
I am struggling with this exact problem as we speak. Since my miscarriages, every baby shower I have attended I end up leaving abruptly in tears – until I decided to stop going. I just found out my sister-in-law is pregnant, and I don’t know how I am going to make it through her shower. I am going to try to be a part of the planning of the shower in the hopes that I can desensitize myself for the event. But if the day comes and I can’t do it, at least I will have been part of her special day. That’s all I can do.
Wolfers says
Hadn’t gone to a baby shower since the hysterectomy two years ago. Just getting the baby shower invite brings on the tears.
Most of friends know and so do not push me, or send me an invite. Better friends would contact me privately to check if I’d like to go (which I greatly appreciate since that gave me a voice to speak for myself). Usually no going. Those friends still understand.
Just thinking about getting a baby shower invite, going to review the baby wish list, to go shopping, and to wrap it all up, and to deal with mushy people and games and all that….
Just no.