By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
So often when we talk about the benefits of being childfree, people bring up traveling. “You’re so lucky you don’t have the responsibilities of having to raise kids, so you can travel anytime.” “You’re so lucky you don’t have to pay for private school and sports and music lessons, so you have all that extra money to travel.”
Well, yes, and not really. While it’s true that my husband and I can take advantage of the off-seasons (vs. visiting the sites with the crowds of families who are off during school holidays), we are both committed to our careers. Taking time off isn’t a sure thing when we need to meet commitments to clients and colleagues. Also, we aren’t super-rich. We live a modest life, certainly one with many advantages, but if we had kids, we wouldn’t be spending our spare cash, we’d probably just have more debt.
That being said, if we really wanted to travel—or pursue any big dream—we could make it work. It’s just the two of us, and if we decided to chuck everything, buy a couple of backpacks, and hit the road, we could.
I’ve been inspired by a series of articles I stumbled upon on the BBC’s website, under the heading of “How I Quit My Job to Travel.” This article is written by a married couple who has been traveling together for eight years, and this article is by a single gal who ditched her “great job” in a “good career” to embark on her adventures. In each, they share the choices, compromises, and opportunities they embraced to turn their dreams into real life.
As I continue to wrestle with what I lost by not getting to be a mommy, I am nudging myself to seek what I might gain. Articles like the ones linked above offer encouragement and creative ideas on how we can open new avenues for ourselves, whether that’s learning a new skill, acquiring season tickets to the opera, building stronger connections in the community, or traveling to exotic locales.
What do you dream about? Can you take one small step today toward making it happen?
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
I was single until 35 and wanted to be married and start a family. A lot of people encouraged me to travel and I did because I thought that was what I should be doing. I didn’t feel adventurous – it some ways it made me more lonely. What I learned from traveling is that people are basically the same wherever you go, the view is only different. Now that I’m married and without children, people assume we would travel. My husband spent his career traveling and now he enjoys being home, it’s hard for me to get him to go anywhere. I work for an employer that provides me 5 weeks vacation but the job is so demanding, I’m lucky if I can take 2 weeks a year. Yes, I look for other things to bring me joy but the assumption that we all are or should be traveling annoys me. My sister on the other hand, works for an airline and can fly for free. She has 3 kids, makes no money and has been all over the world with her kids. If that is who you are and what you enjoy, you can do it with or without kids.
I’m sorry if this comment sounds harsh. I am rereading it and it looks that way to me. I think the suggestion of travel raises some old hurt in me. I also noticed I didn’t answer your question. I don’t really have any dreams right now but I have been setting small goals for myself. This year, I started thinking about all the goals I set over the past 10 years, and that I hadn’t realized all that I accomplished until now. Some of those are: I learned to crochet; I volunteered at the animal shelter and rehabilitated several dogs into pets that allowed them to be adopted; I set a goal to be in an art exhibit once every 2 years which helped me get creative again. Right now, I am learning to speak to Italian.
I would love to travel some more, but I don’t feel a great need to do this all the time. I have been fortunate to see a lot of the country, and some other countries as well.
I find the biggest dreams that have helped me embrace a child free life are local events/activities that fit in around my work schedule. I get season tickets to two local theaters and go out to lunch with friends on the weekend. I enjoy my quiet house with my pets, read books on all sorts of interesting topics, and do arts and crafts that appeal to me. I have a wonderful boyfriend to take long walks with and we both enjoy taking my dog with us. I also get massages and manicures. I would be doing all of these things less frequently, or not at all, if I had children.
Maria-I agree!
It’s often presented as a great consolation prize, without acknowledging any of the loss that has resulted in that option. Few other losses are presented that way-no one says “Great your husband has passed away-now you have less garbage to take out!” or “You’ve lost your job-that’s less commuting and email to answer!” Looking on for the positives is one thing, but to do so without having the loss acknowledged seems like its being minimized doesn’t it?
When we travel I always think how wonderful it would be to share the experience with our children. So for me traveling is not always a consolation prize. I don’t really have any goals that I am interested in achieving, except to live a life without grief and pain.
Yes I can travel. I have travelled. But how much more rewarding would it be to take my child with me all over the world. To show them that their life view can extend beyond their back gate.
What I find difficult to swallow sometimes are the comments like, “I can’t wait until the youngest one is 18 then we can travel and do something for ourselves”. Really?!
Take your kids with you for heavens sake. Teach them to appreciate other belief systems and cultures. Don’t allow them to perpetuate this ridiculous notion that you have kids and then wish the time away.
Yes I can travel. I do travel a lot. I try and convince myself that it’s ok. But it’s not. Don’t try and reassure me with platitudes and hollow comparisons. Not having a child wasn’t a choice to allow me to skydive or swim with whales in Australia … To hike to machu picu … See iguanas at Tulum … Climb the highest building in the world or ride a tuc tuc in Bangkok. Seriously? I would trade every air mile for a weekend camping in Wales with my children.
So please think before you speak.
I would love to have the ability to travel often. However, we are still paying off our failed IVF cycles and other associated costs through the end of this year (it’s been 3 since we stopped).
And as many have stated, I’d love to show different countries and cultures to my kids, as my parents did for me.
I’m not as bitter as I sound here; I’ve actually come to terms with our situation, after a very long and dark road, but people who so flippantly try to find the “silver lining” for me/us without knowing all I’ve/we’ve been through definitely marginalizes it all, as others have stated.
I fully expect we will start traveling again next year, once the loans are paid off, but it is hardly a consolation prize. I wonder what parents would say if we responded to that statement with “but you have the joys of raising a family!” in a cheerleader tone. I bet they wouldn’t like it one bit, assuming travel is of interest to them.
Yes I dream about travel all the time (and lots of other big dreams) but the big question is with who and where is the money coming from!?! I find that one of the greatest challenges about being single and childless is this mistaken belief that there is a freedom to do anything at any time. Trying to buy a home on one income pretty well removes all chances of travel and even an active social life. A single wage barely covers mortgage and expenses let alone any perks of life. And then there is finding someone who is available at the same time, has a similar interest and actually wants to do it. I travelled the world on my own in my 20s because I wanted to get it ‘out of my system’ before ‘settling down’. Little did I realize that there would be no ‘settling down’. I now actively encourage young family members to put ‘settling down’ first – travel can come later but fertility is finite.
Thanks to everyone for sharing perspectives and experiences. This is why we do this — so we can open up, release the hurts, and encourage and support each other. The whole concept of “consolation prizes” (“you get to do this b/c you don’t have kids”) is a big OUCH, isn’t it? I do hope, though, as you move into healing you can find some things/activities that give you joy.
xo
See, I didn’t take this as any kind of ‘consolation prize’, or even solely focused on JUST Travel…. but there are a lot of ways that we can still have a fulfilling life without children. It’s societies’ view maybe, and the insensitive parent comments that make us feel that way; but if we have to change our view of what our future is going to look like because we are not going to have kids in it, then that’s a tough test…. but it can be done. Our self worth is NOT beholden to the fact that we are not mothers. WE are individuals first, then wives (or not, and that’s OK too), and sisters, aunts, and friends. Your self worth is not dependent on being a mother, even though it may feel like it sometimes. I think the point of the article is to allow ourselves to DREAM again, to allow ourselves to see some beauty in our future, even if the present seems bleak. There is HOPE.
Hang on to that, ladies.