By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
It was early in the morning on a national holiday. I was walking to our gym when I passed one of our neighbors as she loaded kids and gear into a minivan.
“Off to the gym?” she asked, grunting as she hoisted a toddler into his car seat.
“I would give anything to trade places with you.”
For a split second I paused, then replied with the only response that seemed appropriate. “I’m sorry.”
As I continued down the street, it dawned on me that for the first time in years I wasn’t feeling (a) judgmental (she was, after all, dissing her kids) or (b) wistful. So often in the past I would have thought how I would have traded anything to have precious kids of my own, but now, not so much. I was pretty happy with the prospect of spending my holiday taking care of myself, maybe even reading a book or taking a nap instead of having to read a book to someone else hoping he would settle down for a nap. I didn’t feel sorry for or envious of my neighbor, and I didn’t want to trade my grass for her grass. The grass was perfectly green on my side of the street.
Me thinks the healing process has begun.
I can only hope that someday I can be happy with my grass. We have young new neighbors, who have an adorable two year old, and a six month old. When I hold them and play with them, I leave feeling even more depressed. When I see the unconditional love, and witness the funny things they do, I feel a sense of regret that they are our neighbors because I’m not sure how I will handle my feelings of loss. It has intensified my grief, and I pray that some day I can come to terms with my ‘grass’ in life.
My hope is that one day you will heal. Hang in there and stay in touch with the LWB tribe. You will find lots of support. They really helped me get through the years that my nieces and nephews were in that cute and cuddly stage. Now that the kids are teenagers, it is a much different story. So glad I do not have to deal with all the drama.
I’m going through a separation. Every time someone asks me “do you have kids” or if “there are kids involved”, it stings. Then when I say no and they say, “oh thank goodness”, it stings even worse.
Sorry you have to go through this. How awful to face this pain without a spouse. I’m glad you reached out to share your experience with us. Please stay in touch.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods says
Ouch! What is wrong with people?!? I’m so sorry, CVB, that you’re going through all of this.
Cin cin to the healing process!
We have been ttc, on and off for the past four years, tried an IUI, had various ultrasounds to check all is ok, and sperm tested my hubby. I am 38 and I am so tired of trying, my grieving has been dealt with and I m probably healed. I like my life…I don’t envy people with children anymore. The tune suggested checking my. Through a surgical procedure. I wish to stop and get on with my life. Everyday however, I wake up thinking… Will I regret it? Will I hate myself later?
I think most of us, with time, will have our own such “a-ha” moment, when we realize just how far we’ve come. I know I have. Here’s to healing!