By Lisa Manterfield
Imagine you have a good friend who experiences a death in the family right before the holidays. She’s dealing with funeral arrangements and in among the holiday cards that people sent before they got the news are sympathy cards and notes of condolence. She has her loved one’s belongings to go through and her mind is anywhere but on the holidays. She is mourning and there is little or no room in her grief for festivities.
You understand this and so you forgive your friend when she doesn’t send a card or a gift this year. You don’t expect her to attend the annual get-together you usually have with your group of friends. Instead, you check in on her to make sure she’s okay and you let her know that you’re there for her if she needs anything. You both know next year will be different, that she’ll be back celebrating with you, even though this will always be a difficult time of year for her.
If you’re in the earliest stages of your journey, where perhaps your latest round of IVF has failed or you’ve just come to the realization that children aren’t going to be part of your plan, you’re also grieving a great loss. The difference is, most people around you aren’t going to understand why you aren’t in the holiday spirit and they’re going to expect you to attend events, show up with gifts, and contribute to the merriment. They probably won’t make the same concessions you would make for your friend, so it’s up to you to treat yourself as kindly as you would treat her.
If this year feels too difficult for you, consider taking the year off.
Seriously, what would happen if you didn’t send out cards this year? What would happen if you mailed gift certificates instead of subjecting yourself to the mall and all its triggering festivities to shop for gifts? Do you have to decorate? Can you make excuses for parties you don’t want to attend? Could you even take a year off from whatever family obligations you might have?
It’s just one year. Will the people you love disown you? Some might be upset and yes, there’ll be that relative or friend who’ll never let you not forget, but odds are, most will forgive and forget.
We often try so hard to be there for other people, to meet their expectations and give them the holiday experience they want. But maybe this year you could give yourself what you need instead.
Klara says
Perfect advice!
In the darkest years of my infertility I took three years off. It helped.
Cheryl says
It’s been 9 years since my last IVF treatment. Although I have accepted that I will not have children, I have not been able to find my holiday spirit.
Sherry says
For the past three years we have taken a trip and this year we are going to St Croix. Taking trips during this time of year has saved my sanity.
Marci says
I second this; a couple of years ago, I was in a bad time. But, I had won a trip to Hawaii through my job in January of that year; we did not go until December because we wanted to attend the December 7th ceremonies at Pearl Harbor. A couple of weeks beforehand, I had a huge blow up with a family member (and while it had nothing to do with it, the topic of how I couldn’t understand X because I did not have kids came up – looking back, it was basically a way to tell me to shut up.). Anyway, I was quite down about how life had not gone according to plan. The trip was an elixir that I desperately needed at the time and I was so thankful we had waited to take it. I gave me perspective that while I may not get to have the family I envisioned, I still have control over my Plan B.
Jane P UK says
Thanks Marcia – that’s such a good point. We didn’t have any control over plan A and have to accept and adjust to that, which takes a lot. We definitely have control over plan B.
Amy says
Thank you for your post. I’ve not had IVF treatments or anything. I thought I accepted the fact that I cannot/did not have children. For some reason I am struggling so hard w it this year. I’m becoming mad at friends w kids, etc. I want to scream at ppl bc it hurts. I’m not telling them that bc it’s not their fault I’m broken. Something would be wrong if they didn’t talk about their children. I think I would have made a great parent. But maybe God knows something that I do not. I’m decent w kids. But I’m not even a consideration when they need childcare. I don’t know. I become angry when I see people mistreat theirs.
Amy says
I wasn’t finished but it’s ok. I hadn’t shared this before now.
Jane P UK says
I turned 48 2 weeks ago – my 17 year infertility journey finally ended – although its been 18 months since we didn’t return a call to the clinic for another donor IVF cycle. This year we are going skiing for Christmas and we leave on 21st Dec. I’m largely ignoring Christmas and what it means. For me this year it means a few more social events (work lunches), meals out with friends (no children) or I wouldn’t go. So I am mostly buying new tops and dresses. This year Christmas is not about the children I cant have and is about celebrating life and my femininity and sanity. Thank you for this excellent post – it allows us to see the enormity of our loss and the lacking in society for any understanding. It helps to know we must take what we need and allow ourselves the grieving process and put ourselves first for a change (its not easy – I spend a lot of time riddled with guilt but I’m getting less so – these posts help me keep this in balance).
Kathryn says
This is a fantastic idea.
It has been 15 years since our last IVF procedure and it was only 3 years ago, due to a workforce redundancy, that I was able to take an extended break and try and work on myself so I could try and heal to some degree.
I would recommend it as soon as circumstance allows. In my case the anxiety slowly built up year after year because I ignored the issue about how I was (or wasn’t) coping with it all. Dealing with basic everyday situations sometimes became a major struggle, and the unsettling situation at work with the number of people that were let go over the years certainly didn’t help.
I now have the time to indulge my hobbies and put them higher up the list.
I am finding it very helpful reading these blogs. Reading about others in the same situation is slowly helping me to grudgingly accept my lot in life, and is changing my outlook on some things.
Now if we could only lump all the holidays into one week of the year, I think we’d all cope a lot better!
Mackenzie says
Thank you for this post – it rang true for me. Last year was the year I checked out for the holidays. My husband and I never wrote our year-end-summary Christmas letter (didn’t even send out cards), we failed to send gifts to our 7 nieces and nephews, and we both bummed our way through the holidays.
I’m just commenting to say that this holiday season I feel lighter and happier (even though we just marked 5 years of unsuccessful “trying”). So for those of you who are grieving this year, know that it (probably) won’t always be like this. There’s light at the end of the tunnel – even if you can’t see it yet.
Magnolia says
I’m so glad I found this blog and community. Thank you all for sharing, it definitely helps knowing I am not alone.
This Christmas season has been really hard and we are barely into December still. We were told 6 months ago that we were never going to be able to have our own biological children. I thought I had gone through most of my grieving process until the holidays started creeping up. I somehow got through thanksgiving but I don’t remember any of it. I feel pretty numb about the holidays, like I’m holding my breath and just hoping I’ll make it through in one piece. I wish I could just check out this year as Mackenzie on the above post stated, I’m definitely checked out emotionally and mentally. I can’t bring myself to put up any decorations and I’m dreading the whole gift shopping thing. It shouldn’t surprise me that I’m still grieving. I know its a long process and I can’t rush it. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel right now but I know its there. Eventually I’ll see it again.
Angie says
I have taken 3 years off…..no cards, no tree, no Christmas spirit. And am so thankful that I gave myself permission to do so! This year though is different. I’m finally moving past the “block the whole world out” of my grief and actually WANT to participate with all things Christmas. There have already been some tears and some sad moments…..and I’m sure there will be more before the year ends. However, I am embracing the sadness and handling it as it comes. I am no longer willing to let grief keep me from living.