Most people in my life were supportive when I told them about my decision to end my quest for motherhood. But a couple didn’t want me to quit. They kept offering unsolicited advice and stories of other people’s miracles, when what I really needed from them was a kind and understanding word.
So this week’s whine topic is:
People who won’t let you quit
This might sound horrible,and I almost hate myself for saying this,but I kind of resent my husband at the moment.He is the one not allowing us to stop ‘trying’.
He was there when the doctor told us we would need ICSI to conceive again,which in our case,would be like burning money,as I’ve been pregnant twice,and miscarried both times.He was also there when I lay screaming/crying that I can never go through that pain again.
And even though he knows adoption in our country is impossible, he still keeps hoping and talking about our future child.Which breaks my heart every single time.He is a very positive person,and always sees the glass as half full,which is usually a great thing, as I need someone like that in my pessimistic life to brighten things up.
But in this instance, his ‘positive’ view of our future, is just making me more sad and depressed.
It is ok to feel how you are feeling. My husband and I went back and forth with this process a few times.its a very complicated process and highly emotional. my hope for both of you is in time you will both be on the same page. Hugs to you!
Thank you Sassy,that is my wish too,I don’t want to lose our relationship for a pipe dream.
I can totally relate to you. My husband thinks i’m being so negative every time he brings up some form of hope of positivity. I don’t know if i’m being negative or realistic, either way its no fun. Its really tuff when your not on the same page. I’m hoping it just takes time and eventually we will find ourselves on the same page once again and can move on in some way.
I also don’t want to lose our relationship because of infertility. Its so hard and puts such a strain on a marriage. I’ve read that infertility is one, if not the most, stressful thing in a marriage. My one hope is that on the other side of this, no matter what that means, that our marriage will be stronger. My hope for yours as well. hugs
Magnolia,it seems you and I are on the same page,at least 😉 Talking about our anger/grief/jealousy/resentment is a good way to release some tension.
As much as I hate that we all have to suffer through childlessness,it does feel good to have people,however far away you all are,that can wholly and truly understand how I am feeling.
I appreciate you all!
Yes! !! I know one woman who after we explained how horrible our efforts to adopt were offered to just tell us when an unwanted baby is born at the hospital that we should just be there at the right time and deal with paperwork later. It was shocking. She also had no clue what she was talking about but felt that since she was raising her granddaughter who was a fast baby and did have some issues with children’s aid when baby was born and eventually placed with her in a kinship arrangement she was an expert. Tried to get her to see that kinship makes life a hell of a lot easier and that we didn’t have that option.
Susan B. says
I’m old enough now that no one continues to push me to try anything else. However, I am constantly bombarded with, “Well, you never know. It could happen.”
No it can’t because I will not put myself physically or emotionally through another pregnancy. I already put myself through years of fertility treatments and succeeded in having two very, very early miscarriages. I did get one of those natural miracle pregnancies a year after stopping treatments and that ended in a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks. I am nearly 43, and I am done. We therefore use contraception even though the likelihood of getting pregnant again is so very small because I just know if we got another miracle it would end in another tragedy.
I relate to this so much! I always get the “it could still happen…” comments from people. While I wish I were brave enough to actually say it out loud sometimes, my gut response is always… “I’m sorry, but it will most certainly NOT happen. I’ve already come close to dying from being pregnant and that’s simply not something I can put myself through again.” Getting pregnant again would be almost certain tragedy and that is a risk I refuse to take.
I hate that term “quit”. It implies we gave up, didn’t give it all we had, didn’t do everything we could reasonably do…
When people hear “quit”, I feel like they think we were over it or didn’t want it bad enough.
I’m still trying to find the right way to say it… Tracy Cleantis had a great way of phrasing it in her book The Next Happy. I can’t quite remember exactly how she put it. But it’s more of moving on/forward and choosing to save yourself, your relationship, and your sanity.
How was her book? Was it helpful to you?
Coming to this late, but I can vouch for Tracey’s book — I loved it! 🙂 A much needed antidote to all the “you can do anything if you just try hard enough” stuff that’s out there.
I can’t say aloof family members were trying to keep it going, a few said, why wreck your life by trying to get pregnant or adopt. The person who was the worst was out adoption coordinator. She would say stupid things like if you really wanted to be parents you would do this. Or when our bio Mom wanted the chi,d back the adoption coordinator told us to fight her fora other 20-30 k. I always found it interesting that the pushiest people already had kids, and never walked a step in. My or our shoes. My husband had the insight to market it as taking a break, instead of never. Because I still wanted to drive this dream , but said, if we took a break it might be better for us. Eventually after a little time and distance after our adoption return, ibecmae aware of how far I went to pursue this goal that did not happen and I. Or we had to think about how it had affected us. A dream is a hard thing to let go of, I still get concerned about ignoring some ques in the pursuit of other things. Thanks for all the sharing it a,ways helps me!
I really struggle when people think we simply “gave up.” We fought so hard for so long. We endured so much heartache, physical distress and I literally almost died in my attempts to have a family. So no, we did not give up. We simply chose to “gracefully let go of something that was not meant for us.” That is very different from giving up or quitting.
So true you are choosing your own physical mental well being over something that does not appear to be happening. The one thing I was tell myself is what other people think of me is none of my business and consider the source. My experience has been people who are making these comments already have their own kids, so they possibly can’t know what you are going thru, they will never understand it either! You are awesome just as you are!
well reallyy two things that helped me were consider the source and what other people think of me is none of business. The people That make these comments will never understand. And really this is such a personal intimate matter these people aren’t worthy of your inner struggle, and all the heart wrenching emotions that came with this decision. Your great just as you are!