By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
I was in a really good place. That particular day, I had been feeling optimistic about my future, about my Plan B, about my life without babies. Then someone asked me “Do you have kids?”, and I said “No,” and I got The Pity Face.
You know what I’m talking about. That look that says, “Oh you poor, pathetic loser of a lesser human.” And it really pissed me off.
Certainly I want people to understand my pain and losses, and I want to feel supported, but not at the cost of condensation and humiliation. So when I received a note from LWBer Jane about the difference between sympathy and empathy, it struck a deep chord.
“I was surprised to read the real difference and found it helped me understand why I became isolated and distanced from friends and family,” she wrote. She shared with me this powerful article, “Sympathy and Empathy—Do You Know the Difference?” on Harley Therapy’s Counselling Blog.
The authors look at historical meanings as well as contemporary usage. I hope you’ll take the time to read it through. For now, I’ll summarize it with “empathy is empowering.”
Although intended to be compassionate, “sympathy too often comes in its lower form—thinly disguised as pity,” says the authors. “Empathy, on the other hand, involves trying with great sincerity to understand what the other person is going through.”
That sounds like what I want. I don’t yet know how to ask for it, or how to educate people on this (without coming across as a crazy woman), but what I can do is practice it. (There are tips in the article.) For there is a possible hidden gift for offering empathy, for really listening to another person who is going through a tough time, says the authors. “We…might even end up being in awe of their personal strength.”
Jane P (UK) says
Thanks Kathleen for this – I read it again and am still learning. As a nation I think we fall into sympathy as the easy option – so we acknowledge someone is low and then try and move off the topic as soon as possible, thinking this is enough. It does nothing to aid the person suffering. They (we) need to be heard – I thought the article summed up how to demonstrate empathy really well too – and guess what’s at the top of the 6 point “how to show empathy” list. 1. Really listen, 2. drop the advice. There are 6 how to points with good definitions and examples. I realize too that I still fall into the trap of making judgments and not being fully present when someone needs my understanding. Like you I don’t know how we ask for what we need from friends and family – sadly I’ve stepped further away from those who I don’t seem to be able to express myself too. Its left me isolated but it still helps to know why I’m not keen to be around people who are only interested in themselves.
Jane P (UK) says
Re- reading point 1 and 2 again and had to pull out:
Really listen – “we are all in such a rush, what we mostly do is “competing” rather than listening, simply waiting for a break in the conversation to share our story or advice.”
Drop the advice – “speaking of advice – its the enemy of empathy. The second you start telling another person how to think and feel then your aren’t trying to understand them but trying to make yourself feel better. Empathy is not about you, its about the other”
This really needs to be taught in School’s !
Kathleen Guthrie Woods says
Thanks, Jane! I’m with you. Could you imagine how our world would change if we taught this along with math, music, and basketball?