This week’s topic is another tender subject:
The constant struggle of feeling my life is imperfect because of not having children.
How do you feel about this? Has that feeling changed with the passing of time?
As always, the floor is open for any other whines and rants you need to get off your chest.
Analia Toros says
I used to feel bad for not having children… now I reconcile myself with myself. But its always praying to the Lord and one day at a time.
It’s difficult now in the fall – so much of our culture, back to school, homecoming Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas is centered around families with children. Just when I think I am doing okay, a wave of sorrow seeps into my consciousness. I have to take a step back, regroup and acknowledge that I can’t be there for everyone. I just need to be there for myself.
Analia Toros says
Janna; I am praying for you.
Just adding my voice to the choir! Like some of you, I’m also not “out” to a lot of friends and family – mainly because I don’t think they’ll understand and I don’t want to have to be their educator and waste my finite energy on explanations, misunderstandings, pity and “why didn’t you-s”…
Yvette, you are brave to post on social media – but an observation: most who see it, who aren’t concerned, or sympathetic, or even a little bit curious, about infertility, aren’t going to be concerned, sympathetic, curious or caring about ANYTHING! you can come out as depressed, as suffering chronic fatigue, mental illness, abuse, as ANY invisible illness or ailment – they’re not going to care. UNLESS THEY have just been diagnosed with something! Then they’ll want you to listen to THEIR experience! but anything else is quite simply too far beyond their understanding, and too much work for them to try. I sound cynical, don’t I?! BUT! For those who do speak up in the first place, know that there might be someone out there, admiring your bravery, and not feeling so alone – even if they are not brave enough yet to respond out loud…
Emily Morrison says
I’m studying to become a Vet Assistant, and I’ve been learning about the reproductive system (in regards to animals, but the concepts are pretty much the same for most mammals). It always depresses me to read about how my body is supposed to work and know that mine just doesn’t function the way it was designed to. I know it’s not my fault, and can’t be helped, but it makes me feel broken and worthless as a woman. I know it’s not true, but I can’t help having those thoughts now and again.
Just came across this “community” when I was looking for self-help books to cope during my recent hysterectomy. I have so many struggles right now but this is definitely one of them! Any suggestions on where to start on here for support? Thanks!
Hi, Amber. After my hysterectomy, what helped me most was a comment on this site which counseled not to let the part of you that wants to nurture die. I think it starts by valuing the time and act of nurturing yourself. There are so many hurts with a hysterectomy, seen and unseen. I have found that if I can treat myself with compassion and tenderness, I can treat others that way as well. The reverse is not always true. Also, the definition of grief that I prefer is love that has no place to go. Isn’t it wonderful (though lonely) to be someone who has more love to share than people willing to receive it? It may take time, but I have confidence that you will find a special place for your love to go, and when you do, you will be helping to love someone into being (their best and truest self). Ideally, isn’t that what biological mothers do? Hugs and love to you and hope for deep healing and that your greatest happiness is still ahead of you. <3
I have to share a little story and the reason I feel a little imperfect as a childless person. I shared the link that @lifewithoutbaby posted two days ago about Worldwide Childless Week. Along with that link for the first time I shared a little about my infertility journey on social media. It was a big step for me. I was quite disappointed in a couple family members who didn’t even bother to “like” let alone comment on my post. It upsets me that after all these years they still have a difficult time talking about this, and understanding that it is something my DH and I went through. It’s almost as if it wasn’t a big deal to them. I feel like if I had a disease or chronic illness that would get more sympathy. It just hurts and i wish they would be more compassionate. Does anyone else feel like family or friends still have a hard time dealing with the infertility issue?
Hi Yvette, I completely agree that a lot of people don’t consider infertility much of anything. I personally have not shared my infertility journey with many b/c I feel judged like why a m I making it a big deal and most just don’t understand. I’m sorry that they didn’t acknowledge you or your post!
Analia Toros says
I do feel that!!!
Yvette, yes I have dealt with this too. I don’t post very much about it on social media anymore because of this reason. I have reached out on FB and even told others how terribly painful it is to go through this with no support from family and friends. And still crickets. Most friends that have experienced infertility issues seem to comment. I’m so sorry you didn’t have the support you so needed in your time of sadness. All we ask for is acknowledgement that our pain is real and it matters.
I’m sorry. I rarely share anything related to infertility or loss anymore. Felt like I wasn’t getting support so why bother. This is why I’m thankful for blogs like this
You probably would get more sympathy in most other situations. I began to understand this when I started reading about disenfranchised grief. The friends-not-understanding part really sucks. That part was really hard for me. I’m sorry you’re not getting what you want and deserve from your loved ones. I’m sorry this is so hard. You are not alone.
Feeling imperfect is an understatement. I don’t even know what word I would use. Like a loser? Like I was cheated? I don’t know. I’m 50 years old. My bad feelings don’t happen as often but they’re there. I’m at the age now where my friends are getting grandkids. I really have a wonderful life, except that one thing that I’m letting define me. I’m trying to focus on all the good in my life.
Analia Toros says
Hi ! Look in the mirror and you will see a beautiful, strong, compassionate, wonderful Becky !!!!
Much love and prayers.
Malin Andersson says
Same here Becky: I’m 51. Finally feeling in my mind and body that it’s too late, so hope is gone which is good.
I’m also trying to focus on all the good in my life. My home, the area I live in. That I have a good job. My friends and family. My dog.
But I’m also feeling worn out. I just found out that the pain in my body is arthritis. My brain is sick after five years at another job so I can’t read anymore and am constantly tired.
Being childless is a sorrow, shame and emptiness, but I also feel that it is a good thing not being part of producing more people that destroy the earth.
Sending warm wishes to you.
Thanks Malin. Same to you 🙂
I can understand the family not responding to infertility posts. But I have learned having expectations of others , is like a premeditated resentment. I would like a particular response and the family or whomever does not give it. I guess it’s all in my attitude or interpretation. Some people will never understand this, because they have not experienced it. I applaud you for going public with this, that takes a lot of courage! When others can’t give me the response I want, I can go to someone else who can listen attentively or be extra kind and do some self care for me, or pray or do something I like. Thank goodness for this community and people who get it! I can really identify with the grandkids. So many of my friends are becoming grandmothers , and it is like another level of grief, like you had kids and now you can enjoy your kids and grandkids. They mean nothing by it, but it a new level of grief again. It just doesn’t take me down for so long. Hang in there ! It gets better! ❤️
I’m imperfect, of course I am! I actually think I would be imperfecter WITH children, tho! I have never been anywhere near perfect, so that’s never been on the radar for me. Yes, I am grieved my body is stupid. I am heartbroken that my life isn’t what I wish it were, and my family is smaller than I wish it here… but hey, I’m not messing up anyone ELSE’s lives! ;o) I mean that jokingly, but also somewhat seriously. in this difficult world, right now I only have a few people I need to be taking care of (husband, brother, parents) if I had kids, my life would be A LOT HARDER. so right now, going through a difficult time with those other, older folks, I’m trying to embrace the okayness of NOT having more mouths to feed and minds to be concerned for…