A friend of mine went through infertility hell a few years ago. When we learned of one another’s journeys, we were both glad to have an empathetic shoulder to lean on.
Then she became a mother, and developed infertility amnesia.
I’m not begrudging her the celebrations, the constant Facebook posts, or the incessant parenting talk. I get it; I’m sure I’d do the same in her situation. But the final straw came last week.
A group of us gets together about once a year and we’re starting to plan for this year. We usually go out for dinner, or bowling, or drinks and dancing. Several of us in the group don’t have children and those who do are always glad for a childfree night of adult fun.
This year, the new mom suggested we change things up and do something family-oriented and include the kids. “Maybe a beach picnic or Disneyland.” I kid you not.
Thankfully one of the other parents shot the idea down, but I had to wonder how she would have felt five years ago, in the thick of her infertility hell, if someone had made this same suggestion.
She would have felt excluded and she would have been upset. Which is just how I felt when I got her email.
Today is Whiny Wednesday. Who or what has done you wrong this week?
I have a friend who recently had two children. I suggested a childfree dinner with her hubs. I haven’t heard from her.
People should have compassion…I can’t say anything else.
One of my worst moments was sitting in a meeting with the parent and other teachers of a child that is near and dear to ,you heart. I teach children with disabilities so spend a great deal of time with ,you students and often have them multiple years, in her case 3 years. I get very attached. At the close of the meeting the mother was expressing how great full she was for the care we had g8ven her child over those three years of middle school. She noted how she was expecting it ed for high school, but would miss middle school. She thanked us for taking care of her baby as if she was our own. As I started to thank her for the kind words another teacher piped up, we try MOMMIES make the best teachers. While the other mommies agreed I froze, my heart stopped, I couldn’t breathe. I had to leave as quickly as possible and hide in a corner of my class sobbing. I’m not generally a crier. I think it’s one of the cruelest things anyone has ever said to me. It ranks right up there with “If they don’t have kids, it’s not a real marriage! “
Sorry. But what a silly comment for that other teacher to have made. I am sure you are awesome!
This post couldn’t have come at a better time! Since we’re all working from home now my team is doing video meetings and group texts. Yesterday, my manager, who is VERY well aware of my infertility grief, sent a photo of her daughter’s sonogram picture to all of us. That led to multiple members of my team all sending photos of their own kids. Followed by, “oh, that is so precious!” Yadayada…
All the people who know about my struggle are the ones who sent photos. Infertility amnesia, for sure! It just feels so incredibly insensitive. I know it’s not all about me, but it would nice if they could think about how their actions affect others. I’m going to send a photo of my cat, who really is my baby, and add it to the group text 🙂 Why not? Why should we be left in the shadows? Why should we feel “less than?”
I really hate when I am forced to endure the l”et’s all rejoice in our children thing” through work. It is unfair when everyone is a captive audience and frankly not very professional! I am so sorry that they are now invading your home which should be safe space. And PS, yes your cat is your baby. Research shows that the loss of a pet has the same emotional and biological effects as loss of human family members. I hope both you and your baby have many happy years in your future.