Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

The Mother of All Dilemmas

I’m so pleased and proud today to announce the publication of a new book by a beloved member of our childless-not-by choice community. 

Many of you will know Kathleen Guthrie Woods through her work on this site, in particular her columns “It Got Me Thinking…” and “Our Stories.” In her new book, The Mother of All Dilemmas: Dreams of Motherhood and the Internship that Changed Everything she finally shares her own story. 

Her Story

In this memoir with a message, Kathleen explores the realities of being a 21st century woman raised to believe she could have it all and do it all. Single and approaching forty, with the siren song of motherhood growing louder, she must consider the option of having a baby without a mate. When she’s given the opportunity to spend two weeks caring for her fifteen-month-old nephew alone, she gains first-hand experience of the realities of solo parenting while trying to maintain her livelihood as a self-employed freelance writer. What follows is a hilarious adventure into single motherhood, and the heartbreaking realization that she can’t do this alone. 

If you know Kathleen’s work, you’ll know this book is funny and heart-wrenching. But it’s also so much more. Through research and interviews with other women about their own paths towards—or around—motherhood, Kathleen shines a brilliant light on the assumptions surrounding women who “choose” to remain childless. With sharp insight and deep compassion, she uncovers the decisions and trade-offs women make, and the losses and heartbreaks that accompany them. The result is an eye-opening and thought-provoking exploration of modern womanhood.

A Fierce Supporter

For the past decade, Kathleen has supported the work of many of us in the infertility and childless-not-by choice community. Through her own writing and her thoughtful and supportive comments on this, and other, blogs and social media sites, she has helped many of us through difficult patches on our own journeys. I hope you’ll join me in supporting her on her journey and congratulating her on this amazing achievement.The Mother of All Dilemmas: Dreams of Motherhood and the Internship that Changed Everything is available in paperback and eBook on Amazon.

You can find Kathleen and her work on Facebook and Instagram, as well as on her website, kathleen-ink.com.

Moving on from Infertility

People come and go from this site all the time. Some people observe for a long time before quietly slipping into the conversation. Some actively engage when they need help and stick around to help others. Others come for a while and slip away unannounced when they’ve got what they needed. I’m glad for all these people.

I don’t always hear the reason why someone decides to move on, and that’s okay. When someone leaves, I wish her a silent farewell and good luck.

Recently, though, one member left and gave this wonderful reason:

“I am moving on from my identity as a childless woman.”

I wanted to throw her a party. She’s not leaving because she’s no longer a childless woman; she’s leaving because she no longer wants to carry around that label and all the stigma and resentment that can come along with it. She’s moving on, I assume, to embrace her life as a woman, with all its facets.

We play many roles in our lives and carry an assortment of identities. Sometimes those identities no longer suit us and we have to let them go. And while I’m sorry to lose a reader, I truly wish her nothing but a wonderful life.

And so this feels like a good segue into something I need to do, which is to say good bye and slip into my own new identity.

Back in March, I wrote that I would be posting a last post and leaving the site up for people to find the posts they need. Then the pandemic hit and it felt like the wrong time to leave. But now it’s time for me to throw my own moving on party.

I have loved running this site for the past decade. I’m honored to have had you in my own support circle. I’m grateful that I even got to meet some of you in person over the years, or at least got to know you virtually. Now I need to step into my own identity.

I am a childless woman and I am at peace with that now. I am an author of novels with big plans for my career. I am the wife of a recently-retired man whose company I want to enjoy. I am a gardener, a cat lover, a daughter, a runner, a foodie, a reader. I am many things and these other identities need my attention.

I hope you’ll continue to find solace and belonging among the many (almost 1,700!) posts on this site. I hope you’ll seek out the books I wrote to help you work through this journey. I hope you’ll stay in touch through my other channels (see below). But most of all, I hope you’ll find your own way to peace and acceptance of this life that none of us chose. 

Until we meet again, stay safe, be well, and remember: You are not alone.

***

If you’d like to stay connected you can find me at LisaManterfield.com and on my social media: Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. I hope to meet you again there. -x-

Whiny Wednesday: You’re Too Young for Menopause

Over the past couple of years I’ve been “enjoying” a journey through menopause. Yeah, it’s a hoot. All the symptoms of PMS, plus fuzzy head, weight gain, night sweats, the works.

I’ve been prescribed HRT and I’ve been reaching out to older friends for advice, because there’s a lot about this I don’t know. Most of my friends have gladly offered support, however one woman (a friend of a friend) looked at me and said, “Menopause? You’re too young for that.”

I assured her I was not, and left the conversation, but really, is that a helpful thing to say? Yes, I know I’m too young for menopause. Add it to the list of things my body’s given up before its time. And then ask me how I feel about the possibility the rest of me might be aging faster than it should too. Does this ever end?

As you may have guessed, it’s Whiny Wednesday. If you’re not yet hearing this about menopause, in what other ways have you been dismissed?

For more about the realities of dealing with menopause and infertility, please check out Mali’s excellent series on her No Kidding in NZ blog.

How Not to Say the Wrong Thing to Someone in Crisis

I have posted this article by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman in the past and it always seems to resonate with people, so I think it’s worth re-running. It’s a good reminder about how not to say the wrong thing to someone in crisis. I wish it was mandatory reading for everyone, and I especially wish it came with a note explaining that it applies when talking to infertiles and the childless-not-by-choice.

The gist of their Ring Theory is that the person in crisis is at the center of the ring and those next closest to the person occupy subsequent rings. In the case of someone coming to terms with not having children, she would be at the center, her spouse or partner on the next ring, perhaps closest family and friends on the next, and more distant family, coworkers, and acquaintances beyond that.

The rule is that that if people have something mean or insensitive or opinionated to say, they say it to someone on a bigger ring. When speaking to someone on a smaller ring, they can only listen or—if they must say something—offer help, support, or comfort. No advice, no miracle stories, no blame or shame. No offering of their kids, no suggestions to adopt. “I’m sorry” is all that needs to be said. If they want to dump, dump outwards, not inwards.

I wish people would understand that someone who has just acknowledged she won’t ever have children is in crisis, and what she needs more than judgment and unhelpful help is for people to say to the right thing.

Whiny Wednesday: Running into Old Friends

A while ago, I asked you to suggest Whiny Wednesday topic ideas. Boy, did you deliver! Here’s one that a lot of you mentioned struggling with:

Running into old friends who now have children

Whine away!

Owning Your Childlessness

I like to tell this story about a conversation I once had with a group of people I had recently met. I remember one of the women was telling a story and tossed out that she was unable to have children.

Then she went right on with her story.

She didn’t pause for people to give her sympathetic looks, she didn’t elaborate on why she couldn’t have children, and she didn’t explain that she’d wanted to have them or tried to. She said it matter-of-factly, as if she’d been telling us she didn’t care for the taste of liver and onions.

I was in awe.

Later that day, we were talking about confidence and she told me that it has taken her a long time (she’s in her 50s) to own who she is. “You just can’t entertain that voice that tells you that you’re less than or not good enough,” she said.

How many of us hear that voice and how many us pay attention to what it tells us?

What if we stopped apologizing for who we are? I think we could be very powerful.

Do you have a voice that tells you you’re less than? Do you listen to it? How do you shut it up and own who you are?

Whiny Wednesday: It’s Your Turn Next

A friend sent this picture to me and it made me laugh out loud.Then it got me wondering how this could work for those women (and it’s usually women) at baby showers and family gatherings who unwittingly assume that yours will be the next belly to be celebrated and adored. I haven’t come up with an appropriate equivalent yet, but I’m working on it.

It’s Whiny Wednesday, your chance to let off steam among friends. Feel free to vent at will.

Childless Men on Father’s Day


Mother’s Day is pretty much the worst day of the year for those of us who didn’t get to be moms. But what about Father’s Day and the men in our lives? Do they feel the loss of fatherhood in the same way we feel it for motherhood?

Some of you have expressed frustration with partners who don’t want to talk about the loss and grief we women go through, or who seem to have accepted a life without children much quicker than we have. I know I saw a difference in the way Mr. Fab and I dealt with grief (or appeared to not deal with it at all) so I thought I’d do a little research on the topic of men and grief to see what I could learn.

Turns out that, when it comes to grief, men really are from Mars, as opposed to our home planet of Venus. They’ve often been taught to keep their emotions in check and brush grief under the rug in the hopes that it will just go away (which, of course, it doesn’t.) As a result, we tend to interpret their reluctance to grieve openly as a lack of feeling. But that doesn’t mean they don’t feel the loss just as keenly as we do.

Here’s what I learned about how men grieve:

  • Men often prefer to grieve alone, rather than openly, in a support group setting, or even with a partner.
  • Men are more likely to withdraw and to be introspective than to do “grief work.”
  • Men are more likely to express grief physically with actions or activities.
  • Men sometimes deal with grief by planning for the future rather than dealing with the present situation or looking back at the past.
  • Men sometimes let grief out in the form of irritability or anger.

In other words, just because your partner isn’t hanging out with other men in online support groups, sharing stories, and lending an empathetic ear to other men, it doesn’t mean he isn’t grieving the loss of fatherhood in his own way.

I’d be interested to hear how your partner has dealt with his grief. And if you’re a grieving man reading this, we’d love to hear your point-of-view.

Whiny Wednesday: People Who Ought to Say Nothing

A few years ago, when I my glorious plans for motherhood were just beginning to come crashing down around my ears, Mr. Fab and I went wine tasting. As a rich, fruity cabernet was hitting my bloodstream and making my crappy world feel better, a woman (whose world was feeling a little too good) leaned over and said, “Should you be drinking?”

I was confused for a moment, until I realized she was peering at my belly. Admittedly, I’d put on a few stress pounds over the previous year, but I was beyond mortified that she’d mistaken my bloat for a pregnancy, especially considering that was the one thing I was truly aiming for.

I’d like to tell you that she realized her mistake immediately, but alas, she had to ask me twice – the second time for everyone around us to hear.

So, while I agree that most people are well-intentioned when they make a faux pas, in some cases, people just ought to keep their traps shut and mind their own damn business.

It’s Whiny Wednesday, ladies. Let ‘em fly.

Whiny Wednesday: The Baby Aisle

When you’re deep in your grief—and even when you feel like you’re finally in a good place—there’s one place that continues to be a trigger:

The Baby Aisle

Has it caught you unprepared? Did the sight of binkies, diapers, onesies, and teething toys bring on an epic meltdown?

Here’s your chance to vent.